My Journal, Part 5 (2000)

9/28

It's been a while since I've needed this release.
All for good reason: college is finished, I'm back from Europe.
No time for much but work, which, while totally fun, has caused me
to bottle up
a little bit of this stuff.
I'm moving tomorrow, an injustice perpetrated by my neighbor, whom perhaps
I shan't love as myself, but see if there has been retribution.
Minutiae, though; that's what that is. The bigger picture is clouded by
the details.
Cliche: Luncheon on the Grass from an inch away. Thanks, Ferris, for that
one.

The sky here is beautiful, a pure blue that doesn't exist in Baltimore or
New York.
And the sun is brighter,
or maybe I just notice it more.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry sometimes, and I don't know which
is the right way to express the right emotion--
laugh at my mistakes/
cry in happiness. Is there a difference in my oxymoronic expression?
But I konw a lot more now than I did just a few months ago.
Texas:
Who would've thought?

My confidantes I don't see much any more--
we try but it's hard--
and so I need new ones.
We all need that.
Ideas like the loudest raindrops fall.
As do we all.
But when you're up, you make it meaningful:
I want to draw out those times, but do I?
It's so hard for me to tell!
About most things.
But I'd like to think that you think I can, and that I do.
I promise that I have a good idea.
can I tell?

And I think of my favorite bedtime story:
the story of me, ah, the self-indulgent
Drama.
You know, I made it all up, and I still do.

Full speed ahead.
Whatever that means.

Boys and girls,
Watch.
It's going to be a fun ride.
Between the Stars and a Cricle, isn't that right?

I need someone here to listen to
Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?

---
10/19

The same inspration amassed
with a blast from my strange past
makes me wonder if I've relapsed.
I should've been fast,
should've asked if I might have
passed her last test first,
but what's worse is what I
could've done.

The radio station plays the music
of my life. My soundtrack, cliche like me.

More questions:
Why aren't I living it up?
Am I? Is this all I can do?
I remember there being something else;
Or this time do I mean someone else?
Was I this incomplete before?
Did I have the gaping hole I never realized?
Why didn't I realize?
Waiting for it to materialize.
I'll be waiting a long time.