Too Much

I'm feeling sorry for myself and taking pity upon myself. It's not like I did or didn't do anything to deserve it. Deserve isn't the right word. It's more like a set up-- a sabotage? Perpetrated by myself. Which is self-reinforcing.

There's a blackness encroaching. I distract myself to avoid it. Constantly. And so I don't think about that part. It's because I've progressed farther towards the paradox of having versus wanting than ever before. I've achieved all the expectations. Most of them, at least. I've caught up to the number in my head, along all the dimensions I'm supposed to excel. And it scares me.

It's going to sound ridiculous, and if there's something that you (yes, you) can do about it, resist. But how do I restrain myself? But how I do restrain myself! This question and statement are true simultaneously. Why aren't I the kind of person I think I am? Or am I totally mistaken, and I'm the person I think I am and the problem is that's not the right kind of person to be. And anyway, what is it "to be" "right?" Is that even the question I'm asking?

What is it that I don't do to cement solid relationships? Save one, now two. One is because I'm her father; the other because maybe she reciprocates that trust, that "faith," that notion that I'm going to be what I'm supposed to be. Probably what keeps me going is that same idea, that I'm going to be what I'm supposed to be. I hope my supposition is right.